Does My Friend Have Potential As A Writer?
‘Luelle, over here!’ my best friend Angel shouted from somewhere in the busy school rush, waving her arms madly so I could spot her. Sure enough, I saw her pretty brunette head bob up a few times, & so I pushed my way through the crowd towards her. Before I could reach her, though, I was stopped by Alan Tennwick, that geek.
‘Oi, Lu-babes,’ Tennwick leered, a lustful glint in his eye. ‘Johnson said he fancies having a slap at your peachy ***.’
Disgusted, I flipped Tennwick the finger & worked my way through the mass of students to Angel, who was waiting on the other side. I noticed she had rolled up her regulation black pleated school skirt twice, that she had applied wine red lipgloss & dark brown mascara, & that she was beaming from ear to ear. I said happily, ‘Hey hun, what’s got you up dressed so nice? Want to impress a guy on the way home so you can ditch me?’ I teased her & her face flushed slightly.
‘No, no guY,’ she smiled, looking away to something & twiddling her glossy, naturally curly chestnut hair in her fingers. ‘Shall we get going then? We could go to yours – you have the biggest clothes collection I’ve ever seen, after all!’ She laughed & so did I – my ebony wardrobe was absolutely huge, & I still had designer bags with lots of clothes in shoved next to it!
‘Okay,’ I smiled, & shrugged my school bag back on my shoulder. We weaved our way through the students & out of those school gates for the weekend! I couldn’t wait. We had planned to go to the local pub to start off with, & then move on to the hottest night club in the city, Escapades, partying until four in the morning or later!
It was both our sixteenth birthdays, after all, & we sure could pass for eighteen! We looked like eighteen year olds, anyway. Angel was a tall brunette with tanned skin & grey eyes which I did adore actually. I was a slightly shorter, but still tall, natural platinum blonde with honey-brown eyes. We both had slim figures, but still had curves in the right places.
When we approached my new car, a sleek & sexy obsidian Lamborghini Murcielago, I flicked the switch for the car to unlock & it did so perfectly. I slid into the driver’s seat & Angel clambered in next to me, sighing at the feel of the comfortable lush seats. My dad had bought me this car for my birthday – it had cost over two hundred thousand pounds, but he could certainly afford that & it was so worth it.
Swiftly I started up the engine & soon we were rocketing up the motorway, driving at an extremely fast pace towards my family mansion, just outside Wiltshire, where my school, Dane Hall Secondary School (a mixed private school), resided. I & Angel kept up a friendly banter all the way, & when we reached my house, Angel gasped slightly like she always does. She may have an extravagant house, but my dad makes bloody loads. I often wonder how, but he never really tells us, & if he does, it’s so vague I can’t decipher a true answer.
Soon, we were walking through the extravagantly decorated hallway that led towards my bedroom, & I pushed open the beautifully made ebony double doors. I & Angel both had already kicked off our high heeled black school shoes around eight or nine corridors ago, so we just flopped on the extremely comfortable bed & relaxed for a minute.
Then Angel sat up & a gleeful smile spread across her face. ‘Now, Luelle, let’s raid your wardrobe.’
Three hours later, I & Angel were dressed up to the nines, looking quite sexy if I say so myself. I was wearing a tight black corset dress which was decorated by really cute blood red ribbon ties. It reached just past the middle of my alabaster thighs & skimmed my pert bum! I had my hair in a half up & half down style, with the two ponytails tied with a blood scarlet ribbon & the rest of my luminescent, shimmering blonde hair cascading down my back. With this I was wearing horizontally striped long socks which went roughly to my knees & were slightly different lengths – the stripes were black & blood red & had a red ribbon on each. With all this I wore my trusty old Converse & a touch of wine red lipstick.
Ever a fashion icon, Angel had decided to wear my cute gothic lolita black & aqua dress. It had a beautiful corset top but it went out for the skirt; a bit like a Fifties skirt. She also wore striped long socks – the same as mine except they were the black & turquoise version. She wore black & white Sketchers on her dainty feet & had applied wet-look mascara, clear shimmering lipgloss & a touch of liquid eyeliner, setting off the look. She even slid in a cute little turquoise star clip which seemed to sparkle beautifully!
Angel looked at me, winked, & said, ‘Okay, let’s go already, Lu!’ Identical grins spread across our beautifully made up faces & we sprinted through the many
February 7th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
If your friend wants to be a writer then the first thing she will have to learn is to cut the fluff & start her story where the story starts. There was no story here, just a couple rich girls playing dress up after school. There needs to be something compelling happening to grab the interest of the reader.
Also, every time a new person speaks, it always starts a new paragraph.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
So where’s the plot? I couldn’t care less what they are wearing or how many brand names you’ve mentioned. You have two spoiled brats playing dress-up. Who on earth do you think will want to read it?
You also need to do a lot more research (sorry, not buying the whole “my friend” thing). 16 year olds can’t drive in the UK, period. No posh private school would ever have “secondary” in its name. Wiltshire is a county. Saying “just outside Wiltshire” is like saying “just outside Texas”.
“We both had slim figures, but still had curves in the right places.”
Um…you do know this is THE classic Mary Sue description line, right? Is this supposed to be a parody? It’s so massively overblown I’m starting to wonder.
Start again, this time with a plot, a plausible character, & some researched facts. Your technical writing is fine but your storyline & characters are about as bad as it’s possible to be.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
It’s hard to tell. It really depends on how old your friend is & what the book is about. Honestly though, this doesn’t really sound like something I would read. When I look at books in the store or the library I generally read the first couple of pages to see if it grabs my attention. This just doesn’t seem interesting to me. She could have potential but it needs to be a bit more exciting in my opinion.
February 7th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
yes
February 8th, 2010 at 12:36 am
No.
February 8th, 2010 at 3:40 am
look at the question you had the link in. My answer is there.
February 8th, 2010 at 4:56 am
No