Lipstick Answers

Wanna hear some funny clean jokes?
She was so blonde that…
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She managed to trip over my cordless phone.
On the bottom of the job application where it said ‘Sign Here’ she wrote ‘Aquarias’.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She told me to meet her on the corner of “Walk” & “Don’t Walk”.
She tried to place a bag of M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.
When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.
She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said – “concentrate”
She got stabbed in a Shoot out.
She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.
When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: “LOOK, they’ve spelled MACY’s wrong!!!”
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.
She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.
She tried to drown a fish.
If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you’d get change.
She got locked in a grocery store & starved to death.
She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She asked for a Price-check at the ‘Everythings a Pound’ store.
They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
When I was drowning in a lake & screaming out for a life saver she asked: “Grape or Cherry?”
She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.
Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

1.Your mama is fat when she jumped she got stuck on air.
2.Your mama is so Stupid she Locked her self at a grocery store & died of starvation.
3.Your mama is o ugly she made onions cry.
4.Your mama is so fat she had to put speed bomb at Mc Donald’s.
5.Yo mama so fat even dora couldn’t explore her
6.Yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it was your own
Phone Number!!
7.Yo mama so dirty that she makes poo look clean
8.you mama is so fat when she walked outside with all red on all of the kids started to shout koolade koolade
Yo mama so fat her nickname is “Lardo”
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies & sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Like it Star Me any other good ones.

A trucker goes into a wh*rehouse & hands the Madam five hundred dollars.
He says, “I want your ugliest woman & a bologna sandwich.”
The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls & surf & turf.”
The trucker says,
“I’m not h*rny, I’m homesick.”
A guy goes into a drug store to buy cond*ms.
The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”
He says, “I don’t know.”
She holds up a finger & says, “That big?”
He says, “Bigger.”
She holds up three fingers & says, “That big?”
He says, “Smaller?”
She holds up two fingers & he says, “That’s it.”
She puts the two fingers in her mouth & says, “Medium.”
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, “Wife Name – Three Horse.”
“That’s an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”
“It’s an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes & the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up & sees his clothing in front of him, all clean & pressed. He looks around the room & sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it & a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen & sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee & the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk & out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table & broke it, & then you puked in the hallway, & got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order & so clean? I have a rose, & breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, & when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
“Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38.
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back & forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window & says, ” Officer, I’m so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!” The officer looks at her, then says, “Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.”
Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an “F” in sex.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT”.
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself “oh well !” & turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”.
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee’
The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars & trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
Q: Why can’t a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says “Let’s park” she jumps in the back seat.
Q: What do blondes & turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you get that?”
A: The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine
(note from Zelo: for you REAL blondes out there that is the machine that makes ice in the ice-skating rinks!).
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She’d just dyed her hair.
A2: She’d just blow dried her hair & she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says,
1. “Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would’ve hit me right in the face!!!”
2. “Good thing that cows don’t fly.”
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, & a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland & estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, & got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, & she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it.” I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here & starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn’t know how to cook them.
A brunette & a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, “Awww, look at the dead birdie.”
The blonde stops, looks up, & says, “Where?”
Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: “Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?
A: She burys it.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down & said “Oh, look at the deer tracks.” The other blonde looks & says “Those aren’t deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.” “No. Those are deer tracks.” They keep arguing, & arguing, & one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde & bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
A blonde opened a box of Cheerios® & exclaimed “LOOK! A box of donut seeds!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: What is a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde ***** going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde & a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde & a toothbrush?
A: You don’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde & “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What do blondes & cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door & a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns & a blonde?
A: Two tight ends & a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don’t know.
R: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last *******.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they call the blonde “twinkie”?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that “love handles” referred to her ears?
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde & a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, “Cock’ll-doodl-doooo”, while a blonde says, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”
Q: What is the difference between a blonde & the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10000 men.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.
Q: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, & a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, “Aren’t you done yet?”
The nympho says, “Are you done already?”
The blonde says, “Beige…I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde & a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse & goes home.
A blonde & a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, & a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
… then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan “Billions Served – just today”
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod…
Q: What is the difference between a blonde & a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids & said, “STOP THAT TWINKIE!! ”
Yo momma so fat, when she runs she makes the cd played skip, at the radio station!!!
Yo momma so fat, when she went out side in a red dress, everyone yelled, “HEY, KOOL-AID!”
Yo momma fat she jumped up in the air & got stuck.
Yo momma is so fat her waist size is equator!
Yo momma so fat she went bungee jumping & went strait to hell!
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
Yo momma so fat that when God said, “Let there be light,” he told her to move her fat ole *** over!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love & broke it.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat she’s got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, “To be continued.”
Yo momma so fat her nickname is, “DAY-UM!”
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat, she went to the movies & sat next to everyone.
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo mamma so fat, you have to roll over twice to get off her…
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean & Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach & people run around yelling, “Free Willy!”
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat, she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu & says, “Okay!”
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people say, “Taxi!”
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo momma so fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat I’ve known her all my life … & I still haven’t seen ALL of her!
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear, “Caution! Wide Turn.”
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read, “One at a time, please.”
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she’s got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo momma so fat God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo momma so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat , her legs are like spoiled milk – white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train & two buses just to get on the *****’s good side!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter & a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she fell & made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach & Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ***, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat her belly button’s got an echo.
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, & gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat her blood type is ragu.
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whoelband skips!
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame & hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when the ***** goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcomn-X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD’s & by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow & made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders & drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat she uses I-95 for a Slip ‘n Slide.
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in & didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship.
Yo momma so fat she accidently got a 757 caught in her teeth.
Yo momma so fat to her, “light food,” means under 4 Tons!
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on & came back with sandals!
Yo momma so fat & stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat she won, “Miss Bessie the Cow 94.”
Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA – FatAss Jeans.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, & a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper & began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest & asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol & a contempt for your fellow man.”
Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man & apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does”.
“Bible Story”
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife & flee out of the city, but his wife looked back & was turned to salt.
His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes & the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up & sees his clothing in front of him, all clean & pressed. He looks around the room & sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it & a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen & sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee & the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk & out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table & broke it, & then you puked in the hallway, & got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order & so clean? I have a rose, & breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, & when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
******************************
What a woman says…
This place is a mess! C’mon!
You & I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You’ll have no clothes to wear if we
don’t do laundry right now!
What a man hears…
blah blah blah blah blah C’MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
*******************************
Star? =]
Might post more if people like.

A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow & his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper & says
“I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband” The man at the desk says “OK, how much money dae ye have?”
The old woman replies “£5″ to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something & we’ll see if it’s ok” so the old woman writes something & hands it over the counter & the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid”
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement & encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders & then adds a few more words & hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale”
Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.
He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, & a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper & began reading. Then he asked the priest,
“Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Well my son, it’s the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky & a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be damned!” Jock muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, & the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead & a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore & was declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore & was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore & promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”
————————————–…
Two blonde girls were talking & one couldn’t help but notice how pretty & beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft & beautiful.”Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk & just soak in it.”
So the blonde went to a farm & spoke to the farmer. “I’d like a lot of milk.”
“How much?” asked the farmer.
“Well, quite a lot because I’m going to soak in it.”
He asked, “Pasteurized?”
“No…just up to my boobies.”
————————————–…
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them & said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer & pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it & pulled out a picture, & said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features & oddities such as scars & so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde & withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head & said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head & walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back & said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands & exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third & last blonde & said, “This is probably a waste of time, but . . ” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds & withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture & began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression & said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes & said, “Well, duh! With only one eye & one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”
————————————-
Hear about the blonde who….?
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight..
Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope..
Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter..
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out..
Couldn’t call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button..
When asked what the capital of California was, answered “C.”..
Can’t make KoolAid because eight cups of water won’t fit into one of those little packets..
Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Tripped over the cordless phone.
Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says “Sign here”, she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
Got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
Stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.
Saw a “¿” on her computer screen & asked another blonde,
“How do you do that?” She responded . . .
“Simple, just turn the keyboard upside down!”
Q: Why did the blonde nurse bring a red marker to work?
A: In case she had to draw blood!
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It tak

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: “Where’s my tractor?”
A Black man, a mexican & a russian walk into a bar. What a great example of a united society.
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson & Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon & Micheal Jackson molests little boys.
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing
Q: What do you call a Mexican flying a plane?
A: A pilot.
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, & the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
Why did the sheep dog count 40 sheep when there were only 38
He rounded them up.
A seal walks into a club. However, the particular club he entered had a no animals policy & he was turned away.
Two porn stars, a man & a woman, are going at it during a shoot. They’re doing it doggy style, & the director keeps urging them to do it faster, since they’re in sort of a homestretch two-shot. So they’re really going at it, & the woman kind of looks over her shoulder at the man & says, “Ooh, you feel so good inside me!” And the man thinks to himself, I choose to believe you.
A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local & the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy’s dog: “He’s not so shaggy.”
Two light bulbs are lying in their cardboard sleeve on a shelf somewhere. The first light bulb is a real nervous type. He’s been going on & on. “What if I don’t light up? Seriously, what if I don’t? I will just m’kaying die! God, I’m freaking out. And thanks to our m’kaying packaging, we don’t know whether we’re in a store or a warehouse, or if we’re sitting under someone’s kitchen sink moments away from being screwed in & turned on. What if there’s something wrong with my filament? I mean, it feels OK to me, but there’s not really any way of knowing for sure until I get hit with some current. Sure, I passed the factory test & lit up just fine, but what if …” The second light bulb has had enough. “Will you shut the m’kay up! Just shut up!” There is a long awkward silence. Then the first light bulb says, “Well, what else are we supposed to talk about?”
What did the aborted baby say to it’s mother?
Nothing. Dead babies can’t speak, & even if they could it takes at least a year or so for babies to learn how & because this particular baby was aborted & you can only be aborted if you’re younger than about four months it wouldn’t have had the time.
A man walks into a bar. He then meets some friends & has a rather enjoyable night.
A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, & then he’s finally ushered into a conference room. He goes in, & sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, & a gay guy of Chinese descent. The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, & it’s pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn’t care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his BlackBerry. But he plows through the presentation anyway, & when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand & thanks him. He goes out to his car & starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings & he answers it. It’s his wife, & she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home. He says OK. She says, are you OK? And he says, yeah, I’m fine. She says OK. He hangs up, & this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, & it’s got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can’t see that he’s crying & says, “And I don’t even m’kaying care about this poo!”
How do Helen Keller’s parents punish her?
By giving her a timeout.
A man is walking alone on the beach when he trips, & stumbles accross an old rusty lamp.
Curious, he picks it up & begins to wipe the sand away.
He cuts himself on the lamp, giving himself a nasty infection, but after a series of shots he is fine now.
My dog’s got no nose.
It was cut off by a gang of drunk teenagers in a public park, leading to three successful prosecutions for animal cruelty
Why was there lipstick on the blonde’s steering wheel?
She braked really hard because some m’kaying cat ran in the road & kind of busted her mouth on it.
A woman becomes pregnant. 9 months later she has a baby.
Yo momma is so fat, she developed a serious case of diabetes & had her foot removed.
A farmer, waiting on the side of the road with several sacks is approached by a boy.
The kid asks, “Hey, what do you have in those bags?”
The farmer replies, “Oats.”
Yo mamma’s so dumb she had to take remedial classes all through school.
A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, & I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport & found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me? “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t get your telegram.”
“No, she got it” replies the man. They both remain silent for the rest of the session, after which the psychiatrist proceeds to charge the man $60 for it.
What do you call it when 2 blacks, 3 mexicans, & a jew escape from prison?
A jailbreak.
Yo’ Mama’s so fat the doctors put her on Enalapril for her blood pressure.

. 1.) Two lawyers & their boss go out for lunch & run into a genie.
“If you all give me five dollars each, I’ll grant you one wish.” The genie sighed.
All three lawyers debated & gave the genie fifteen dollars total. The first one goes, “I would like to go to Paradise & never come back.” He was gone.
“Wow, that was some serious stuff,” said the other two.
The second lawyer goes & wishes for a beautiful wife & unlimited money in Paradise.
The boss looks at his watch & says to the genie, “I want them both back by 3:30.”
2.)Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
3.)Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around & barked, “Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!” The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled & said, “You see, it pays to be bilingual!”
4.)A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, & then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
5.) On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
“Look what I’ve done, Jess,” he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
“That’s surely something’, Willard. How long it take you?”
“Only two weeks.”
“Never done a puzzle myself,” Jess said. “Is two weeks fast?”
“Darn tooting’,” Willard said. “Look at the box. It says, ‘From two to four years.’”
6.)According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick & would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom & met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how! difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet & then cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
Hope you like them

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the the street when the sign said “DONT WALK”!
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in the back seat?
A: In case she locked the keys in her car
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping-pills
Q: Whats the difference between a pittbull & a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can actually understand them
Q: Why do blondes like lightening?
A: They think someone is taking their picture
Q: Why do all blondes have a dimple on their chin & a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-i dont know. Hits forehead-Oh i get it.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.
Q: why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods

Please star if you liked them.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick & would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them & the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom & met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, & cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Stumpy & his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, & ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy & Martha went to the fair & Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, & ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them & said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride & not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy & Martha agreed & up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists & turns, rolls & dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed & the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow… i can’t believe it’s not butter!
yo mama’s so bald that Mr.Clean gets jealous.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo mama so fat her nickname is “Lardo”
Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat were in her right now
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so fat she went to the movies & sat next to everyone
Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her…
Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean & spain claimed her for then new world
Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach & people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu & says “okay!”
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read “one at a time, please”
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat she fell in love & broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don’t do livestock.
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama so fat she’s got her own area code!
Yo mama so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo mama so fat God couldn’t light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo mama so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk – white & chunky!
Yo mama so fat I had to take a train & two buses just to get on the her good side!
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter & a booger shot out of george washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters & it made a dollar!
Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo mama so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama so fat she fell & made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach & Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, & gravy poured out!
Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearin tights!
Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say “Taxi!”
Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo mama so fat she fell in love & broke it!
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air & got stuck!
Yo mama so fat she fell in love & broke it.
Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air & got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg & gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her & I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels & when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family
Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame & hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach & greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo mama so fat she broke her leg & gravy poured out
Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air & got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD’s & by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar & squeezed a booger out George Washington’s nose.
Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow & made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up & tries to tow her back into the ocean…..
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders & drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in & didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.

What’s the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick & smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the backside & says: ‘You’re next, fatty.’
————————————–…
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: ‘This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.’
Wife replies: ‘I think you’ll find that is a sheep.’
Man replies: ‘I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep’
————————————–…
A man walks into his bedroom & sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, ‘What are you doing?’
She answers, ‘I’m moving to London I heard prostitutes there get paid £400
for doing what I do for you for free.’
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too I want to
see how you live on £800 a year’.
————————————–…
I Love this next one!
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt & saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, ‘Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?’
The drunk replied, ‘Cos you’re ugly.’
————————————–…
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
upset. She told him ‘Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.’
The next morning Ed got up early & left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window & sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway & picked up the
box.
She opened it & found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A blonde & her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, “I hate all the blonde jokes people tell.”
“Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”
They went outside & hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, & when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde & said, “See! That guy was really stupid.”
“No kidding,” replied the blonde. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”
———————————–
A blonde went to the dentist one day to have a tooth pulled & she was very nervous about it. The dentist noticed this & while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.
He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?” The woman shook her head. The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men & women with different hand sizes & they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber & wait until it dries & then take it off & do it again.” The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not the panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing & he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked, “What’s wrong?” She just laughed & said, “If that’s how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”
———————————–
A blonde, A brunette, & a red-head all died in a car crash, & they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears & tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it’s own joke.
The Brunette goes first, & laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, & makes it to the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks “Why are you laughing now?”
The Blonde says “I just got the first joke”.
———————————–
10. Viagra, it’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”
9. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, reach out & touch someone
4. Viagra, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, tastes great! More filling!
2. Viagra, we bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis… This is your penis on drugs.
———————————–
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house.”
———————————–
The sperm whale has the heaviest brain of any creature that ever lived on Earth.
Julius Caesar, the famous Roman emperor, had all the hair on his body plucked. Baldness in ancient times was a sign of mascilinity.
Charles Dickens got paid penny per word for his novels. (Thus explains the length of “A TALE OF TWO CITIES”)
Dinosaurs burped & farted.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before starving to death.
The shortest war in history was 38 minutes between England & Zanzibar.
A polar bear’s skin is black. The fur is not white. It is actually clear.
William Shakespeare, the English genius, invented the words “assassination” & “bump.”
Women blink twice as much as men.
On average, a right- handed person lives nine years longer than a left- handed person.
If the population of China passed you in a single file line, it would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
China has more English speakers than the USA.
The longest name for a town in the world is 167 letters.
The longest word in the English language contains 1909 letters. It is the name for a part of DNA.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with aa population of 1000 & an area of 108.7 acres.
An elephant walks on its three toes.
The whale is considered a mammal (creature with hair or fur). The hair on the whale is on its chin. It has three hairs.
A cow cannot give milk unless it has had a baby first.
The right arm of President Lincoln was longer than his left. This is because in the political campaigns, he would have his right arm shaked many times.
No portrait of Washington exist with his mouth open. He had wooden teeth & if were to open his mouth, his teeth would fall out.
Washington never chopped down a cherry tree.
Marie Antoinette never said “Let them eat cake.” It was rumored that she did to stir hatred against her.
Some useless things to know for the fact of knowing.
The most common last name in the world is Patel.
The most common first name in the world is Mohammed.
No word in the English language rhymes with the words month, orange, purple, or silver.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks or else it will digest itself.
Our skin weighs twice as much as our brain.
An ostrich’s eye is larger than its brain.
If you ever find yourself in the jaws of a crocodile, jam your thumbs into each of its eyes. It will release you instantly.
The first bomb dropped by the Allies in WW II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
If you being chased by an alligator or crocodile, run in a straight path rather than zig-zag. They can’t see straight.
The best selling book in the history of man is the Bible.
The largest pyramid is not in Egypt but rather in the Yucatan (Mexico), built by the Mayans.
The Amazon River is the largest river in the world by volume.
If a octopus gets hungry eough, it’ll eat its own arms, besides it has eight it can spare one or two.
When you sneeze, the air that comes out of your nose goes faster than that of a hurricane.
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a ’s’ in it?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you’re driving & looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, & dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink & drive?
Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a conversation, never in the middle.
Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
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A mother taught her daughter about sex.
She said,”If somebody feels the top part of your body, say stop. If somebody touches the bottom part, say don’t.”
One day the daughter came to the mother & said,”A boy in my class touched both the top & bottom parts, so I said, don’t stop!”
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Two virgins get married.
As their first night together approaches, they wonder what they are supposed to do. So they decide to call the bride’s mother.
The mother tells them to get undressed. They do.
Then she tells the bride that the groom should put the “Hardest part of his body into where you go to the bathroom.”
An hour later, when the bride’s mother calls back & asks how everything went, the bride says, “Well, I don’t know, he has his head stuck in the toilet bowl, now what?”

1)MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet & pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, “Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down & saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary who was quite witty said, “Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”
2)The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving lip prints.
Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it. One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick. He then took them into the bathroom & lectured about

Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You’d pull the pin & throw it back.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull & a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde & a Mercedes?
A: You don’t lend the Merc out to your friend.
Q: What do a bowling ball & a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they’ll both end up in the gutter.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn’t want to waken the sleeping pills.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
Q: Why did a blonde climb over a glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
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A brunette was jumping up & down on a set of railroad tracks saying, “21,21,21.” A blonde walked by, noticed the brunette, started jumping up & down on the tracks & repeated what the brunette was saying. The brunette heard a train whistle & jumped off of the tracks. The blonde kept jumping & saying, “21,21,21.” The train ran over the blonde. When the train ended, the brunette jumped back on the tracks & started saying, “22,22,22.”
***********************
A blonde, brunette, & redhead are talking about their daughters. The redhead says, ” I was going through my daughters drawers, & I found a bottle of beer. I can’t believe my daughter drinks.”
Then the brunette says, ” well I was cleaning my daughters room, & I found a pack of cigarettes. I can’t believe my daughter smokes.”
Then the blonde says, ” I was making my daughters bed, & I found a condom. I can’t believe my daughter has a penis.
*****************
(this is not a blonde joke now)
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early & left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window & sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe & ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it & found a brand new bathroom scale.
****enjoy!! plz star if you want too hear more*****

When I was born, I was given a choice – A dick or a good memory..I don’t remember, what I chose.
There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, & Try Weakly.
Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
A couple just married are usually happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole & she was happy with the Thing.
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Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one
turns to the other & says, ‘You know, I don’t know what else
to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine &
coast into the garage & take my shoes off before I go into the house.
I sneak up the stairs, & get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet & pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I
tiptoe into the bedroom & ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, &
yells at me for staying out so late!’
His friend looks at him & says, ‘Well, you’re obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into
bed, slap her on the *** & shout,” WHO’S HORNY?????!!! ”
And she acts like she’s sound asleep!! It works every time!!!
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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, & having
the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume & beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the butt & having the balls
to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in
the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother & new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him & explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The new mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”
Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet & beautiful little hands, a cute little nose & really beautiful eyes.” “Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses!”
Little Johnny’s parents were having a party at their house. One of the guests was observing Little Johnny, who would hold his chest whenever he bent down.
After a few minutes, the woman asked Little Johnny, “Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?”
Little Johnny said, “It is to keep my lungs from falling out. One day my teacher was writing on the board, & the chalk fell down. When she bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs come right out of her chest!”
Little Johnny & Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite & don’t talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane & says “Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose.” And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox & runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him & asks, “Did you powder your nose?”
“Yes” said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.
“Well then” says Jane, “You’d better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!”
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys & girls,” & would his mother, “Please sit down & have a talk with Johnny about this.”
So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, & closes the door.
First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…
so he unbuttons her blouse & takes it off.
Ok, now take off my skirt…
and he takes off her skirt.
Now take off my bra…
which he does.
And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
“Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”